This is the day I saved our sunlight. While our politicians were wasting time over in Copenhagen over a non-existent problem I was working day and night on a real problem that has been moving so slowly and imperceptibly you may not have even noticed. Or if you did notice you might have thought someone was handling it. Well, there was someone handling it. Me. And I’m happy to report that it’s fixed.
Without raising your taxes, without making you cut back on your use of fossil fuels, and without even trying to scare you to death, I have quietly solved a severe climate problem that left unchecked would have plunged us all into utter darkness, freezing temperatures and despair beyond all hope.
You see, about six months ago most of the countries in the Southern hemisphere, mostly left-wing dictatorships, started stealing our daylight. They used an insidious incremental approach of taking just a few minutes each day so, like the proverbial frog in slowly-heated water, we would not realize what was happening until it was too late and we could no longer do anything to stop it. Our world would be dark and cold before we even figured out what was going on.
But I am happy to report to you that the crisis is now over. I have reached a legally binding agreement with the Southern daylight thieves and beginning tomorrow they will start releasing our daylight back to us. I couldn’t get them to give it up all at once, but I will stay on this and I will hold their feet to the fire, I promise. I’m predicting that no later than 3 months from now, by June 21, 2018, we will have recovered all of the daylight they have stolen from us. Even then we will have to keep a close watch on this or it could happen again. We are dealing with some wiley coyotes down there.
You needn’t send me any money or presents. I did this on my own to help my country. I did it without any help from Michael Mann or any of the other scientists at the Climate Research Unit of East Anglia University, nor with any help from the United Nations or the IPCC. I didn’t concoct a hockey stick trick or hide any data. I don’t expect that you will even read about what I have done in the main stream media. They are occupied with getting rid of Donald Trump right now. I probably won’t get a Noble Peace Prize but I don’t really need one because I got a free one with an order of shrimp tacos the other day.
I am quite satisfied to have been the one to have saved us from this calamity, and just to have served is reward enough. You who have done nothing can also feel good about yourselves because as a wise Briton once said, “They also serve who only stand and wait.”