A Modest Proposal
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a our Separation Agreement:
–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
–We’ll keep the Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.
–We’ll keep Rush Limbaugh, Shawn Hannity, Thomas Sowell, Clarence Thomas and all the Bibles and give you NBC, Hollywood, The Washington Post and the New York Times. Let’s let Bill O’Reilly choose where he will feel most comfortable since neither of us can reliably say whether he wants to stay with us or go with you. Frankly, we don’t mind if we lose him since he’s pretty much got us so confused we don’t think we’d miss him. You take Paul Krugman for sure.
–You can make nice with Iran and the Palestinians and we’ll retain the right to invade them and hammer them to pieces.
–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security, as we’ve always done.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep our SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars.
You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
–You can give everyone free healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a wish and not a right that has to be paid for because it will never be free so long as doctors insist on having a decent income to live on and repay all the money they borrowed to go to medical school.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the
World to Sing”, ” Kum Ba Ya ” and “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
–Since they so offend you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Will you agree to this?
In the spirit of friendly parting, I suggest you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
A Conservative American